My poems are the foundation of the life i lived for so many years. from the frustration to the humiliation to the mental anguish my soul begin to die, i became numb, not to give up yes to give in to things happening to me. i lost myself in this shuffle and i played the hands that in reality i deal myself. there were days i thought i was going to die because i couldn't see the light in days i lived. all i have left is the faith i have in god, knowing god mercies are new every morning yet i ask god why me. in survival mode, focusing on how to fix the problem asking myself how can i. my mind always in a race and my thoughts are not clear. my actions yell loud and my voice is not heard so i question the value of my very life. some people are hard to love and some are very easy. through it all i seek god, god's will god's way! i chose which i had choice, deep within the pain the uncertainty left me with fear because of the unknown. concern for my life and the life of my children i question every move made. the day came when i got over me and stop trying to change my husband and change myself. in the process i begin to heal to live again, knowing i can only control me.